I don’t care because I’m always the one whose listening.

I listen when you talk about all the girls you wanna f*ck

Or at least get your dick sucked.

I listen about the video games or the next time you’re gonna get a fade

Or when you need to go to the store to get some more Gatorade.

Or how about when you think I’m getting fat

Or my clothes aren’t cute

Or that it wouldn’t hurt to do my hair a day or two

Out of the week.

I don’t care for your verbal abuse because you’re insecure about how you’ve been living.

But maybe that’s my fault for taking pity on you.

Yeah I said it.

I felt sorry what can I say?

I care too much.

Can you believe it?

I’ve got a little bit of heart left over that wasn’t frozen due to the last idiot I had chosen.

Funny thing is I didn’t choose you..

You chose me but I took you under my wing

To see if it was a possibility

To make you better than what you appear to be.

I pitied you fool.

I can see the man who you’re suppose to be.

Can you  not see who you’re meant to be?

Listen..

Pay attention man my mouth isn’t on my chest

nor is it between my thighs.

Well..

There’s a mouth between my thighs

But that’s a prize

That you’re not even close to earning

So pay attention because you just might learn something.

Listen..

I am a gift from heaven

Pulled from a man’s side

To be by your side.

I am not meant to be under you at your beck and call.

I am much more than just  late night booty calls.

I am a queen.

I am meant to have finer things.

Which means…

I need a fine man to take care of me..

As I take care of him.

Listen..

I am not afraid to sit back and be your support.

I can deal with not always being in control.

I can be that number one fan

Cheering for you in the stands

Screaming “that’s my man!”

See I’m trying to get you to understand

That you and I could be a powerful union.

So stand up and be a man and stop hoeing yourself to the stereotypes of society.

Take pride in who you are and rise into your glory.

Write the ending to your own story.

And if people decide not to pay attention

Then do them the way I did you

Make them sit

And listen..

I sit in silence waiting…watching…thinking..

Nothing crucial.

Nothing extravagant.

Simply stray thoughts of various topics, memories, names, and moments floating through time and space inside my mind.

Names begin to surface.

Some old…some new.

Possibilities of connections, moments of affection..old flames..new flames along with the many games that were played.

The joys of reminiscing…..and the pain.

The lies…the sleepless nights.

Fights and arguments.

Broken picture frames and bruised egos.

That fear…

The fear of losing what you worked so hard to finally love.

The criticism…

The criticism for placing him above every rule and moral…

And friend..

And family member….yeah family member.

Mom and dad said “no”.

Sister said “watch out”.

Best friend told you “I don’t like him”.

But you loved him anyways…

Even though he didn’t love you.

Yeah…it’s all so clear now..

Each moment plastered on my walls like I’m staring at a movie screen.

And on that same screen I saw the rebirth of my strength.

I saw the gleam in my eyes when I met an intriguing figure.

Curiosity peaked..

Guard up..

I wait and watch and engage..

Carefully…

You circle me…I square up to you…

Constantly watching..and waiting.

Testing your mind as you test mine.

Slowly they rise….the ideas that is.

Swimming around my head faster and faster.

One possibility after another.

From the first conversation

To the first time spent alone

To the first touch

The first kiss

The first…

Whoa….

My eyes refocus.

The walls stop moving.

I sit there until the phone rings.

“what are you doing?”

Just thinking…just thinking..

I sit in silence…waiting on an epiphany.

What epiphany?

The one that answers all my questions. The one that points me in the right direction. The epiphany that points me..to you.

But which of you will it point me to?

You…you who is a mystery to me. Subtle actions that relay hidden messages of interest. Or maybe they’re just simply actions of a genuinely nice person.

But the moments…..

The single moments where time stopped and it seemed as if you were speaking to me and me only.

Obvious subtle moments.

You who has my mind running races of curiosity. Speak? Wait? Move? No..stay?

Honesty and loyalty…do you embody both?

You who seems to fade out of existence in my world. You’re only real to those in yours and yet somehow you ended up in mine.

Will you remain an interesting passerby?

Then you….talent…drive…intellect.

You have levels that seem reachable.  Even so…slowly new doors emerge.

You’re in the room but your face says you’re else where. You glide across space…say a word here and there but remain suspended in air above the rest in your own atmosphere…

What is in your world? Is there room for two? Just enough room to gather and listen..

You….you look as if you speak…but no one listens. I listen, but do you know that I hear you?

Conflict written across your brow, lower your shoulders and rest your head.

The world may be on your shoulders but let your shoulders be comforted by me.

You…you who watches from a distance…watch me as I watch you.

Subtle actions…but subtle actions you will know and understand.

Understand me by learning the way I speak, because I’m speaking to you…

You..

But I won’t.

I’ve hidden behind my own failures and faults and as much as it seems easy to resort to complaining I’d rather be thankful that I’m alive to go through it. Sometimes that’s all you can do…

So without complaint or worry, I’m going to smile and thank God for letting me go through it…

I want a definition.

Why?

Stability?

Understanding?

Maybe I don’t…maybe I’m allowing the words of the people who surround me cloud my judgment.

I want something that I’m afraid to have. Maybe if I had it, I wouldn’t worry. But what if I mess up? I’d rather remain frozen then to suffer again..

But maybe I need that suffering…

With suffering comes definition..

I don’t want to lose my meaning. My fear is that by trying to find that definition then I may lose my meaning along the way. Should I narrow down what I have in search of that definition? But why bother? Are relationships even worth searching for? Are they worth fighting for if they only last for so long? No one believes in “Forever” anymore. No one really wants “til death do us part“. So why do we fight? Why do we say that at some point in life, we must settle for marriage?

Love is so watered down…

It’s no longer thick with substance. It’s no longer full of meaning and purpose. How do I gain that purpose? How do I gain that desire to want to look for Love no matter how foolish I make myself look? At times people say that when you look for Love you’ll pass it because you’re looking too hard. But I fear that if I stop looking…if I allow myself to focus on anything but Love, I might become so frozen that I may never care for Love again…

But I do care… I want Love. I want happiness. The faces before me don’t stand out yet. I just want one that eventually will..

I get cold sweats…

My mouth goes dry….

My heart-rate increases when I see your face.

Standing up is impossible…I get dizzy and fall back down.

My eyes are glazed.

Everything is foggy.

Every muscle  hurts….especially around my chest.

I feel nauseated but when I lean over nothing comes out but your name…

I lay in bed twitching.

My sheets are drenched with sweat.

My teeth ache from gritting them too hard.

Days go by..or maybe it was only hours?

My sense of time is off.

I watch my ceiling fan go around in circles.

I try to focus on breathing.

I focus on the sound of the clock ticking.

I count the blinds on my window.

Something…

Anything….

Anything to keep me from focusing on my heartbeat that seems to be getting slower…

I lay back in my bed and look at the nightstand to my left.

I gaze at the syringe with its long needle…the last drop of you hanging on the tip.

I roll my head to the right and gaze at the small orange bottle that sits on the opposite nightstand.

“Take 2 capsules every 4-6 hours until finished. Consult doctor if symptoms continue after use”

I stare at the bottle…I know that it can save me.

But I would rather have another hit of you…but you stopped giving me my fix….

My body shakes…

I get cold sweats…

My mouth goes dry…

My heart stops….

Understand…

Who is who?

Who does what?

Who moves where and why?

Strategy….

Waiting on my next move….

What is my next move?

Understand…

Where to move next?

He’s there somewhere hidden amongst the pieces….

But where is he?

Why does he hide?

Hmmm….in order to understand I may have to sacrifice…

Someone else?

Someone close?

Myself?

Who?

What?

Thinking…planning….running…

Running from what?

Love?

Relationship?

Possibilities?

Answers?

Do I desire to remain ignorant?

Why?

Fear?

Me fearful?

I don’t want to be even though I know I am….

Afraid to fall even though I may have to…

Pain….I don’t like pain….

Pain hurts…

Falling hurts….especially depending on how you land….

How will I land?

How will I fall?

Don’t fall….trip maybe…but don’t fall….

Stay ahead…always on top…further ahead…always cautious

No one gets in…..

Nothing comes out…

It was supposed to be a one time thing…but some how you managed to grab a hold of me….Mesmerized by the warmth in your eyes, you took me by surprise….and now you’ve captured me as your prisoner.

Chosen

I’m chained to you but you roam free from me and I sit back in my cell waiting for the moment when you’ll finally acknowledge me, reaching out to me…slowly I can feel my walls cracking.

I feel my defense getting weak…how long will you keep me waiting?

It’s hard enough trying to breathe, when you suffocate me with everything….and yet you still manage to make me feel so lonely.

Isolation

My foundation begins to break…I’m doing everything I can just to stay sane…I know you’re waiting for me to fall apart…I’m trying to hold all the pieces together along with every part of my dignity.

I don’t know how you did it but you’re weakening my spirits…I’m fighting so hard just to stay in tact….but you…somehow you got to me and slowly you’re ruining me…the crazy thing is I think I’m starting to like it…

Brainwashed

I feel your darkness fill my soul…slowly I let you take control.

I feel the rage running through my veins and just when I think I’m going to go insane you grab me and give me everything.

Tainted…

The rush of power seems too much to handle at first, but eventually your gift becomes my beautiful curse.

I don’t want to let this power go but I know I’ve lost all of my control.

I’ve crossed over to your dark side and now there’s no turning back from it….

I linger in the realm of small conversation hanging on to each passing moment. I curse myself for thinking so foolishly of something that probably isn’t meant to be…or is it?

I see how you are knowing that the life I live and the life you live probably won’t match up at all. So I sit quietly but in my mind I hunger for your power. I want to match mine with yours but I fear that I will be consumed and transformed. I want to be tainted by you but I’m too cautious to truly cross over to such a dark and enticing state.

So I linger…

I watch as others come and go silently cursing each one for occupying a space that should be mine.

Just do it…

I can’t…no..I won’t…think don’t feel. You know that things could get complicated. There are a few major variables that could be negative….and yet

I don’t care…

But I should. I need to safe guard myself and irrational thinking is not going to help.

And yet….

I still crave that power…to be suspended in air not caring…doing as I please…

I raise my eyes and watch you from a distance. I want to get close but I feel like you’re unreachable. I get up to walk away but can’t help myself and look over my shoulder…

Why plant a seed if you don’t intend for it to grow? There’s no magic to growing a plant. There’s only time and maintenance. Does the same concept not apply mentally?

You place a thought in someone’s mind. You converse to water it. You think about it to shed some light. Time passes in order for it to grow. But what happens when you leave a planted thought unattended to?

You plant the thought but water it with few words. You constantly think about it giving it too much light. Time continues to pass but barely anything grows. Scattered thoughts begin to pop up like weeds. They hide the true thought. You’re lost. Searching over and over for that planted thought. That root that lead you to this in the first place.

So again I ask…why? Where is that beautiful garden of fully developed thoughts and ideas? Why leave a jungle in someone’s mind? Constantly having to cut down fragmented thoughts that you confuse as the original. It seems that the more you cut the more there are. Surrounded by the wild…overwhelmed by the labyrinth of your mind.

Lost in thoughts…